I Knew Better than to Get out of Bed Today. . .

Okay, this is going to be the first time I really get on this blog to rant. So if rants aren't your thing--*insert heartfelt apologies here*. Before I even got out of bed this morning I woke up feeling like crap. In fact here are five good reasons that I should have hidden under the covers this morning.

1. I'm a big believer in dreams. I think the mind works in very mysterious ways while we're sleeping. Maybe it's just a time for the brain to make sense of all the daily incoherent thoughts bumping around in there. Maybe when we're sleeping our subconscious is closer to some other plane. Regardless, I'm one of those "deep" sleepers who have to rise to consciousness in intervals-no popping out of bed raring to meet the day for me. I think I need to check into astral projection and see if that might explain why I have a hard time waking up. Maybe it's not my alarm clock's fault, maybe I'm truly "elsewhere" and it takes awhile to come back to my body. So last night for me was filled with nightmarish dreams that normally I don't remember clearly. I woke up with a splitting headache and felt like an 80 year-old stumbling to the bathroom. Headache, dry mouth, woozy, upset stomach...Funny, I don't remember drinking a bottle of Scotch last night. I draped myself across the couch and moaned for an hour or so thinking this too shall pass. Then the phone rings.

2. I know better than to answer the phone on my day off. I heard the voice of my new boss (I've only been at this job for a week and a half). Crap, I thought. Why didn't I let the machine pick up? So, fully expecting to be called into work, I was rather shocked to hear her explain that she'd talked it over with her boyfriend/owner of the store and they'd decided that they really couldn't afford to keep me. What??? Okay, now I know a few things about myself. I know I've had a LOT of work experience-but I've never been actually fired before. She claimed that it was nothing against me personally, they just didn't have the money to keep another employee. This could have been brought to my attention Yesterday!, I think through the pounding migraine in my head. I couldn't even bring myself to be mad, until later in the day. Why put me through all this? They didn't have to actually get my hopes up about a future paycheck after all. Whatever, I've only been there a week and half. Good riddance to bad management. The feeling is mutual,etc., etc., etc. I think I mumbled some nonsense about my last paycheck and hung up quickly. So, nothing personal but you're fired. Great. I need some coffee.

3. My husband and I finally finished college in May. It took us years to finish our degrees and finally it was done. So what brilliant idea did I conceive for my future? I'll go ahead and continue going to school. What's another 2 years, after all? I'll get my Masters and be done with it. I might not ever get another chance to go back. It was so hard to change our lifestyle and make school a number one priority in the first place. Brilliant idea. I've had a lot of jobs over the years, even I'll admit that but I've always had good reason for switching and its always been my choice to leave the place. I've never had a hard time finding gainful employment. So what happened? I am now armed with a Bachelors Degree in English and apparently am completely unhirable. Why, you ask? Beats me. I'm not even applying for Ivy League jobs. Blockbuster wouldn't even employ me, I guess since I never heard back from them. I just need to scream this out to the Universe in general-- WHY? WHY? WHY? Pour Qoi? WHY? Okay, I feel better now. Is there such a thing as being unhirable because you have a little education?

4. This company I applied at more than 6 weeks ago called me again THIS afternoon. I'd pretty much given up on them already, but since they kept calling me back for a second and third interview I was holding onto that last shred of hope. I'd (honestly) explained that it was my intention to return to Graduate school in the fall and it wouldn't interfere with employment if they would work with me on the hours. Seems like a reasonable request since the job wasn't even full time (yet). They were hoping to make it a 40 hour work week in the next year or so- no problem with me. So the really nice guy that I've been interviewing with calls me and says he really wanted to hire me and that they would be happy to work with me on my schedule this fall---However, (my heart dropped), the company was concerned about my Spring class schedule and they thought it was likely that I would not be able to keep the same work hours as before. Of course, I explained that I wasn't even enrolled in spring classes yet, that I choose the hours and I would do everything in my power to keep school from interfering. Even still, they didn't want to hold me back from anything, he says. (HOLD me back from what? Paying my bills?!!!) So I asked him if he'd found anyone who would dedicate 40 hours to the company and he says no not yet. I kindly suggest that if they don't find anyone in the next few weeks I would be open to the position still and if they change their mind and want to give me an opportunity to please hold onto my number and give me a call. He agrees and we end the conversation. Amazingly, I still didn't cry. Usually, after this much disappointment in one day, I would be the Human Fountain of Saltwater. I was fine; I continued my slog through the internet want-ads looking for a job that would involve enough money to pay my bills and still allow me to go to school.

5. I was doing okay, trying to pretend that nothing was wrong when my Mom calls. She says, I was thinking about you and wanted to know how you're doing. Automatic Fountain release, thanks Mom, I needed that. I guess Momma always knows no matter how far away you might be. I managed to say pretty crappy and burst into little girl wailing. She feels so bad for me. I feel bad for her, cause who always foots the bill when I can't? My parents and my In-laws are wonderful people. They are always supportive and non-judgmental when it comes to my screw-ups, I have to say I'm really blessed. That said, this isn't a blog about how wonderful my life is- so back to the angry, bitterness for now. . .
Mom tries her best to cheer me up, but of course the old 'Maybe you could go back to Wal-mart' suggestion makes me cry even harder. She means well. Mom, I know that in case you read this. It's not just you, I get that suggestion from a lot of people. But please, please, please, people-everyone- try to understand that I went back to school to get a better job. Not to go back to where I've already been unhappy. Universe, if you're listening, now would be a great time for that alien invasion just to take some of the pressure off of me! My best friend says she'd be happy to hire me if only I lived a little closer and could make the drive everyday- Thank you! hugs, Mary. But I really didn't want to move again right now, and frankly, I can't afford to do so.

So, in the end I went back to bed this afternoon about four o'clock and slept for six hours. I woke up feeling better but tomorrow I have to resume that crappy looking for a job search that I've come to dread so much. Why can't I just follow my bliss? Somewhere there are people in the world who do what they love and love what they do. Where are you people? What's your secret? I know everyone isn't Oprah, but there has to be some hope for the rest of us. I have this stupid indefatigable resilliancy that keeps me from becoming depressed permanently. I know there are worse things than a bright outlook on life in general, but right now I want to feel crappy and I keep thinking of things to cheer myself up with. I'm sorry to bore everyone with this, but I'm trying to give myself permission to be upset. People can't be bright and optimistic all the time. So now, the reason why I'm mad at myself is that I can't even be properly depressed. Man, I am my own harshest critic. I can feel myself feeling better so this rant is officially over.